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| 09:06pm 06/10/2008 |
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i think i've lost faith in a lot of things this past year
and i just keep pretending that i still believe in them |
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| i'm not the person i thought i was... |
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| 07:22am 24/09/2008 |
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so i was talking with John, another teacher, just now online and he put in my birthday data and something interesting happened.
I'm not a Libra.
I'm a Virgo.
the sun moved into Libra at 6:00am on September 23rd 1983. I was born at 12:42am on the 23rd.
i don't know how to feel about this.
this is my horoscope for today:
Fair weather
There are wounds that do not heal with time. Instead they start hurting again given certain "weather conditions". If this occurs, subconsciously we will withdraw into ourselves in interpersonal situations, or be oversensitive and react in a hurt manner without apparent reason - or we ourselves become particularly hurtful, without actually wanting to. However, if the weather is fair, as it is now, you have the opportunity to bring these painful things to light - preferably during a personal conversation with someone who is close to you. Looking into painful experiences in this way can make you freer in your behavior, your close relationships and your relation with your body. It can also prevent you from hurting others.
that sounds so serious. i have this sinking feeling in my stomach like something has happened. my third eye has seen something.
what do i do now? |
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| sooooooo |
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| 09:08am 27/08/2008 |
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I am in Thailand!
how crazy is that? I'm on my three week break from work and decided to come over here and visit Lia, who has been living and teaching preschool here for a few months.
so far, first impressions of Bangkok.... this is a ridiculous city. It is intense on so many levels. it is hot, humid, polluted.... there are still some amazing things happening here though.
Yesterday I walked around a part of the city alone. I got lost a few times and spent about 5 hours walking around outside. I think what the combination of all the factors resulted in is a feeling of muted claustrophobia, where I felt trapped, though I knew I was outside. My muscles ached and my head throbbed.. my feet were filthy and sweat poured a constant stream down my body. It wasn't until I stopped at a petrol station to get some water, that I realized how out of sorts I was.
I regrouped and headed down to one of the indoor shopping centers where it was cool and I could rest with some lunch. The food is difficult to understand. especially not wanting to eat any of the meat. I walked around for a while, trying to find something I could be sure was safe to eat. I ended up going to exactly the same place Lia took me a few days before for lunch.
I feel a bit frazzled. and defeated.
I'm going out again today for some more adventure while Lia is at work. i was looking all day yesterday for a bike shop where i could buy a simple little thing to ride around the city-I have a feeling it will be entirely more easy and fun to get around the city like that. I remember when I got my bike in Brighton-it felt so good to ride it around, down near the beach with my new friends.... and yesterday on the cab ride home, I think i saw a place selling used bikes, and I think I even remember where it is. I guess we'll see what happens huh? |
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| 10:28pm 29/05/2008 |
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my hands are swollen and red. my heart is beating slow and heavy. i am so very tired.
today we buried Lolo.
there was a short mass and then a military color guard folded a flag and played taps. it was beautiful. it was sad. each of the kids rested a flower on the coffin and said goodbye. it was difficult to do. i still expect to go back to his room and see him sleeping, with south park playing on the TV in the background. people said a lot of things about him. i wish he could have been there to hear what people were saying and mumble to himself how it was all bullshit. he hated the way people talked about others after they had died-he thought it was lame how everybody who dies automatically becomes a great person.
i miss his honesty. i miss his asshole remarks and passive aggressive silence. i miss his stories-the ones that i know he is going to tell; the ones i've heard so many times over. i miss how he always would undo his seatbelt exactly two blocks before we got home, every time. i miss how music sounds when you are listening to it with him. it was the only time he could express emotions, but it was never with words. if you listened to the music, and watched him listen, you could understand how it made him feel and how it fueled his life. every memory he had was immersed in the context of a song. my favorite memories of him are moments when we were listening to music and there was something special about a song-the way the saxophone solo sounded or how the trombone player tailgated the whole thing. we would look at each other and, without words, would understand and start grinning like a couple of idiots.
i feel so numb right now that i can't feel anything but tired. i'm going to sleep |
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| remember this? |
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| 12:38pm 04/05/2008 |
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i'm on a trip home right now. Becca, another teacher, and I drove down to orange county on friday after work. She is visiting her grandparents in Seal beach and I am spending time at home. with the family. and it is great but a little bit hard.
Lolo is not in the best shape. He has gotten a lot worse since I left, I can tell. When he talks, he always sounds out of breath. He is always tired. He has been sick for about a month and tomorrow he is due for an uncomfortable sounding operation.
But we have hung out and talk and listen to music. and it is good.
so anyways, remember that movie that i was in a little while ago... the one we made for that film festival and won best picture??? well, i just got it on you tube so you can all watch it now, again, if you want to. it's funny, when we made the movie, it just put itself together-the story just happened as we were making it. i find it very strange how the film fits into my life as of late. It's eerie how the message of the movie, which i've always been proud of, is just starting to really make sense lately. it's a hard lesson to learn, even after you think you've already learned it. love is so complicated. it makes me nervous still.
.. what's mime is yours .. |
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| oh last night... |
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| 08:53am 06/04/2008 |
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last night was insanity. it was so so much fun
It has been a long week here on the ranch and all the teachers were completely exhausted. After an tiring morning of playing with toddlers, acting like chickens, planting bone trees and spraying ourselves with milk, we spent the final two hours of our work day hauling loads of wood chips up and down the hill into the garden. I was, so tired.
but instead of taking a reasonable nap or something, we all piled into the back of Sarah's volvo station wagon (affectionately named Alberta) and headed north, along the windy roads into Stinson beach. The plan was to get ice cream and beer and to go enjoy it on the beach..in the freezing cold weather.. it seemed like a good idea at the time. but as we roamed the isles of the tiny grocery store and surveyed the prices of the objects for sale, our excitement slowly began to fade.
we are not used to buying things. we don't really have the money to do it and most of the time, we don't have to. our kitchen is packed full of amazing food.
but we weren't leaving that store empty handed. we figured 5 bucks from each person would buy a large bottle of medium-quality whiskey. so we headed out to the small, wealthy, hippie loving town of Bolinas to check out the beach.
At this point, the sun had been down for a little while and the last of the surfers were removing themselves from the chilly waters. we were cold and unprepared. but we found a small nook just around the bend of a hill, alongside a cement wall littered with colorful murals.
things started out simple enough; singing songs, making up little raps and howling to the stars. and passing the whiskey around.
it is so amazing how connected we teachers all are and how we have changed so much by being here on slide and by spending so much time with children, expanding our imaginations. i noticed that last night-one person would act something out or make an animal noise, the next thing i know we are all huddled underneath Kiva, warming ourselves, each singing our own song about cloacas.
the night was pretty random and bounced around a lot. it got darker and colder, the bottle of whiskey was eventually drained and the tide almost cut off our escape route. in a fit of madness or something, we all shed our clothing and ran shouting into the freezing cold water laughing like mad people. This was something new for me. I know it sounds weird, but it was so much fun. it was the last thing any of us probably wanted to do, but it was the first thing in our minds. a naked swim at 9:00 in freezing waters of a public beach-running around and whooping at the top of our lungs. it was so innocent, so pure, so much fun..
the funny thing is that we act like this when we are sober (except for the naked thing). we are becoming children again. ideas bounce around constantly and we break into song often. we read bedtime stories together and curl up like puppies to sleep. we give the biggest hugs to each other every time we meet. we do arts and crafts and play tag and that one game when the ground is lava, you know? we go on adventures and build forts, captain space ships across the galaxy and make puns about compost. we are a litter of kids, bound together by the direction we are growing and the wonder that this place and the visiting children are infusing into our lives.
i am truly grateful. |
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| these days.. |
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| 05:25pm 10/03/2008 |
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i spent the morning blissfully laying in the sun, counting birds and watching clouds...
I spent lunchtime with some of the teachers down on the beach, flying rocket ships of sand into uncharted reaches of the galaxy and then dancing on the beach in-between momentary dunks into the chilly waters...
I spent the afternoon in the pasture with the ruminants, being a pillow for the baby kids and spending time with my favorite little kid.
I feel like i'm turning back into a kid. I'm rarely serious and i sing songs that i make up in my head to the plants and animals. I teach again tomorrow. I can't wait. children are amazing. i'm learning so much. |
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| new blog |
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| 10:13pm 13/02/2008 |
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so i have a new blog for stuff that happens here on the ranch. my grandma really wanted me to do something like that and I couldn't very well send her to this blog because this is my secrete blog where i tell all of my innermost desires.. anyways, you can read it if you so desire. i will still write some stuff here and once i get my camera thing working, will have some pretty amazing pictures of goats and ladybugs!
http://slide-steve.livejournal.com/
Other than that, a bunch of not-so-good things happened back home. one of the neighbors snitched and now the city knows of my 6 month project. as a result, there are no horses there and won't be for a long time-BUMMER. for a little while i was so angry because i felt like i just wasted the last 6 months of my life, ruining things i was looking forward to and put all this money into something that is just going to sit there and look pretty... but it is hard to stay angry wen i'm in such a beautiful place, with such beautiful people. things seem to roll off the shoulders like tennis balls on a sunny afternoon, and i'm glad to let them. nothing is ruined. i feel like all the work i've done will pay off in some way, to somebody at some point in the future. i'm much too busy living simply to be worried about what i cannot control. i'm having fun. |
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| my first week |
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| 01:05am 04/02/2008 |
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in a way, i feel reborn. in a way, parts of me are scattered about in places far away, though i'm learning to live with and patch those empty places.
it's hard for me to describe how incredible this week has been. mostly the days are filled with learning. all us teachers have to learn how to do everything on the ranch and there is a system to all the different little parts. I, along with the other 6 teachers, are feeling a bit overwhelmed... but at the same time we are all still in complete shock that we are doing the things we are doing in the amazing place we are. The more I learn about this ranch, the more i fall in love. and i am in deep so far.
i wake up every morning to the sound of waves crashing on the rocks below the cliffs that drop off just past the ocean house. I am in a small cabin that keeps me warm and dry at night. it's just the right size. The window facing the ocean stretches from one wall to the other and I watch tankers travel from the san francisco bay out to the ocean and off into the horizon as i get ready for my day.
The kitchen is quirky, clean and completely full with food all the time-really really good food. My body has forgotten how to tell me I am full and i usually end up eating until i feel my stomach stretching. All of the teachers are amazing, genuine people and we are all connecting so so well. I'm making friends so fluidly, and i feel so comfortable all of the time. I can't remember a time when it was just so easy to be myself-and it's flowing over into non-ranch life. I spent today in the city with a new friend who showed me some of her most favorite places to see-alley ways with intricate wall murals, burrito shops with killer veggie burritos-we even snuck into a fancy hotel to check out an amazing view of the city through the backside of the glass elevators at 30 stories up. I'm finding myself so confident and content with myself that talking with people is just so easy.
..but the ranch life is really so much more than i imagined. I am learning to be silly around people-i am letting down my guard and making silly gestures and noises for little games in front of people i hardly know. I am learning about gardening and compost, cheese making and milking, chickens, food and the connection between them all. this ranch is our home. we are stewards for the national parks service and we invite these kids to our home to get dirty, run around and let their creativity and imagination explode!
and the other night i milked a goat and fed goat kids from a bottle at 10:00 at night and it made me so happy. so much makes me happy these days (especially compost and the worm song). i am writing more and more about the small things that happen every day. today was especially good. i took an amazing drive with ryan out to some remote dairy farms along the coast in search of a good surfing spot. we saw elk and cows tending to their newborn calfs. we listened to great great music, talked and went surfing in the hail. i'm trying to slow myself down, exist in the moment and take everything in as much as i can. i'm finding it easy. things are so fluid now. it has only been a week but i feel things coming together like i never have before. i am definitely where i need to be. |
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| and now i leave |
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| 06:18am 27/01/2008 |
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mood: explosive music: bob dylan - don't think twice, it's all right
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it was a long night but everything is finished. all my responsibilities have been passed on. all the paperwork is done and all the physical work is done.
everything is ahead of me now. i'm leaving behind the weight of the past which i cannot use.
all of my belongings fit snugly in 2 duffel bags and 1 backpack. The rest I have given away.
i know i'll find something spectacular. i'm excited to see what that will be.
the moon is waning and setting. i am ready. |
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| 09:06pm 26/01/2008 |
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it's so close now and there is not a chance in hell i could turn back.
a friend once told me that a good way to get yourself to do something that is hard for you to do is to back yourself into a corner so you have no choice and are forced to.
i guess i sometimes do just that.
there is still so much to do though so much has already been done. i will probably be up all night, tying up the final loose ends.
i am so completely ready for this now. i need this badly. it will be good. |
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| a bit much |
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| 06:34am 23/01/2008 |
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today i am going to attempt 10 hours of back-to-back, one-on-one tutoring with no breaks. I don't exactly know how this happened but I think it has something to do with finals week.
Today is my last day tutoring. i have really grown attached to some of these kids and I've begun to take on roles slightly more involved than strictly "math tutor."
There is so much to be done before i leave sunday.. I'm hoping everything will just fall nicely into place. it will, i'm sure. |
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| 06:45am 18/01/2008 |
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probably one of the most insightful things i have ever been told was written to me in a christmas card:
Steve,
All paths lead nowhere.
The question is does it have heart?
You have heart, deep from your parents,
remember this when you feel weak-it will
give you strength.
thanks for your
help and friendship,
Daniel
i need to keep this in mind. |
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| physical jerks |
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| 11:40pm 14/01/2008 |
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okay, so since thursday I've been hanging out with this guy
he is crazy. Oliver has been in India for the past 6 months training for some soul-sucking job but finding time to let his hair down. He had some pretty amazing stories and some big scars to help with explaining his numerous adventures.
we went out thursday night to some bar in Fullerton. I danced for a few hours to this incredible 80s cover band. oh man, my legs and voice hurt the next day from singing so loud and dancing so much. Their first song was "Cars" by Gary Numan and things just got better from there. I have realized that I'm not excited by the bar scene at all unless there is good dancing. It seems like it's all guys trying to get laid fighting with girls who pretend they aren't trying to get laid. This is a game I want nothing to do with. Sometimes I just want to dance. I usually just end up talking about math anyways, which is usually-which should be-a huge turnoff to any right-thinking girl, but some of them just don't get it.
...and oliver had the bright idea of inviting some girl over to stay the night. i nearly lost it. i tried to explain to him how that would be a horrible idea on so many levels. It was no use. he had already secured a ride home with her and i guess i wasn't thinking straight enough to put up any lasting objections. As we waited outside the bar for another drunken member of our caravan to wherever, i looked around at all the people slowly creeping from the bars to their cars-the small groups of hopeful guys huddled around attractive girls trying disparately to out-impress as they made their final choices and went home to do the dirty deeds. In clear defiance, I began hugging and kissing the nearest light post. To oliver's objections and possible alternative suggestions, i yelled "shut up! i don't want the things you want!"
it was an awkward ride home. before leaving them to retire in the back room, I told this girl "look, oliver is one of my good friends but don't let him make you do anything you don't want to do."
It was an awkward next morning. Luckily, the girl's presence went unnoticed by all except pa, who is just awesome anyways, and i still got to hang around and eat some of danny's french toast before my three younger siblings went back to Murrieta.
Friday oliver and I were to go spend the night in a hostel in san diego, on mission beach; a place oliver spent many a youthful summer with his family… and he invited this girl from the night before to come with us… and we had to meet her mother before we took her along. Awkward.
We went to san diego, I ate the biggest slice of pizza I have ever seen and we played pool in the corner of this bar with a couple on their way from Vegas to mexico. We lost all 6 rounds of pool but it was fun. The next morning we met up with Karen for some breakfast around the pier. She greeted us with a smile and an amazing vegan cupcake, courtesy of Chelsea and her chef friend. We hung out for a few hours before heading back north so oliver could catch his plane. It was a good chance for me to get away from the awkward silences and third-wheeledness and talk to somebody normal.
All in all, one of the more interesting weekends I’ve had in quite some time. If anything it definitely reaffirmed my convictions about one-night stands, hooking-up and just horny people in general. I’d rather make a fool of myself on the dance floor and kiss a light pole on the way out with big smiles on my face all the while. |
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| three years-it's officially a tradition |
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| 08:37am 08/01/2008 |
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For the past three years Jason, Jolene and Monroe stop by for the night on their way back up to Oakland from a two week trip to Mexico. They dropped in Saturday night and it made me so happy to see them. They are always so happy and fun to be around and they both give really amazing hugs.
so we went out for pizza and beers. we talked about my new job and they told me about what they know of the area. They told me of this bar in the Muir woods, nestled among the redwood forest, that you can only get to by hiking. It sounds so enchanted. They'll probably come up the first weekend i'm there so we can see this place. i'm very excited.
They left sunday morning after taking me out for waffles.
I got a call from them a few hours after they left.
"Hey, what's up? Is everything okay?" I say
"Steve, Jolene and I needed to call you to say we just ate the best fucking orange of our lives."
(we picked a bag of the navel oranges that are just coming into season here on the ranch)
"Oh that's awesome, I'm glad you like them," I say.
"No, steve, i'm serious, that was the best orange of my life. I was sitting here and it struck me that at some point we are going to run out of these, so you should bring more when you move up here."
That was a very good phone call. The oranges this year are pretty incredible. I can't eat one without getting weak in the knees and bursting out in song. They are good. I will miss them too. |
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| 10:46am 03/01/2008 |
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This morning I got up early. The mornings are always hard. If I wake up my thoughts play tricks on me as they tumble around while I toss and turn and I can't seem to get back to sleep. I wiped my dry-erase calendar clean of September plans that never materialized and started in on ideas for what will be the final push towards completion of all my projects-the culmination of three years work. The deadline is clear and stands out a bright red against the white calendar background. January 28th. That is move-in day on Slide Ranch. "So what of slide ranch?" you are probably thinking.. well,
First of all, they have their own website: www.slideranch.org
I accepted their offer for a 10 1/2 month teacher in residence position. Basically, I will be living on this small farm on Muir beach in a community with about 15 other young, motivated people who make it their business to live and share the philosophy of simple, sustainable living. I, along with about 6 others, will be in charge of teaching people that come to the ranch about the basics of farm life, like... where our food comes from and what it takes for things to grow, what a goat is and how do you get milk from one, how milk becomes cheese, why insects are so cool and vital-things like that. I will also be taking kids on nature walks around the ranch and down to the tide pools with campfires in the summertime as well.
They say the average age of kids that visit the ranch is 7 (second grade). They are mostly day-field trips from local schools in low-income neighborhoods. I talked to a teacher from last year who told me that they get some kids from San Francisco neighborhoods that have never even seen the ocean! I feel really good about this job because I think the kinds of connections I will help these kids make are so small that they are often overlooked but so important for a solid, balanced, developing view of how the world works.
I have also been getting very excited about meeting and getting to know the people I will be living and working with. I would say that, more than anything right now, is what keeps me going day-to-day. I'm trying to go into this without any expectations, but I feel like these other teachers are going to be really cool, down to earth, people who love being outside, working hard and teaching. Those are really just prerequisites for wanting the job in the first place so I don't think they are unreasonable desires on my part, right?
I just got back Tuesday from my first visit to the ranch and surrounding Marin County area. I asked Lia if she would accompany me on my trip and she agreed. Lia is the one who brought my attention to the craig's list job posting in an email she sent with the subject line "DO IT"-a serious statement from a person who is usually fundamentally opposed to using all capital letters. I also remembered how passionately she spoke of her lone visit to that part of the state in June. I also thought it would be a good chance for the both of us to get away from our present situations and maybe try for a better sense of how and why things are the way they are now because lately i've just been so confused.
( Pictures and more of the story ) |
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| lame! |
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| 12:23am 02/01/2008 |
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I went to hang out with Ernie and Ann tonight. It was fun but I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at 9:30.
why do i always fall asleep in social situations?
...I'm so lame. |
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| tamale party |
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| 06:24pm 22/12/2007 |
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mood: indescribable music: sean barnett - baby rattlesnake
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every December my family has this one mind blowing day where they all get together in the name of "mexican heritage" and make tamales until we drop. This year, that day is tomorrow, and I'm so very excited.
Earlier tonight I was reminding myself of how great it was last year. I ran across some photos.
( last year's shenanogans )
I am leaving soon. I've taken the job up north (i'll write more about that tomorrow). I will miss days like tomorrow. I'm going to miss a lot of things. I'd like to say I'm getting better at coping with loss but i don't think i'll ever be better at that. maybe that's okay.
..there are some things I get teary eyed just thinking about:
-drinking whiskey with my grandpa and listening to his stories that go on for a long time.
-helping lolo get up in the morning.
-surfing with chris at ungodly hours
-My grandma's nervousness.
-Listening to Lolo's stories-the ones I know by heart because he's told them so many times. I still love to hear them and i've come to learn the right questions-the ones that make him light up.
-my grandpa's sayings, like:
"be careless"
"don't do anything i wouldn't do but if you do, do it twice."
"I've cut this damn thing twice and it's still too short."
"no music, can't dance, might as well."
-Playing music with chris in the garage before bedtime.
-My grandma always trying to get me to smile.
-chris's awkward jokes and loud laugh. and his optimism-it's so strong it blows me away.
-the pooch
oh my God, that was so hard to write. i've been a wreck lately.
i have a month left here. I haven't listened to music with Lolo in a long time. I haven't listened to nearly enough of Pa's intricate stories. I haven't smiled enough for my grandma. I haven't played enough songs with chris. i don't feel ready but i know i need to go. i don't feel ready but I'm going either way. |
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| you want the moon? |
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| 08:38pm 14/12/2007 |
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"just say the word and i'll throw a lasso around it."
"It's a Wonderful Life" was on tv tonight. it really is a great movie. It has been too long since i've seen it.
I broke ground today on the last leg of my barn project. I have been working on this for 6 months. That's too long. I feel like I should have been out of here by now. People have been waiting on me and this has just dragged on. I feel really bad about that. It pains me.
This last part should take only a few weeks. I'm on schedule to be done before the new year. There really isn't anything glamorous about this kind of work. It's hard, gives me blisters and I can't really be too expressive with it-there will be no subtle messages sent, no inside jokes or harmonizing. But I am proud of the work I have done. It will be glamorous to me once i've finished. And then i'm leaving. It was put best by George Baley:
"What are the three most exciting sounds in the world? Train whistles, anchor chains and airplane motors."
I think the work I've done will help me see more of the world. That was the hope all along.
It is time to shake the dust of this crummy little town from my feet. |
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